I’ve been avoiding my blog for the past few days, I haven’t even been reading any blogs either. Mostly because I’ve been feeling somewhat depressed (but what else is new at this point in my cycle). All my big talk about positive thinking was crap. I’m totally not able to think positively about this cycle. All I keep thinking is why is this happening to me, why can’t I just get pregnant like a normal person, why, after 32 years of not being allowed to get pregnant, do I finally find myself in the glorious position of being allowed to get pregnant and I can’t, why does trying to get pregnant have to be so damn hard? These and a million more questions have been plaguing me for days now. I swear, my vajayjay has had more action in the last month than I care to detail here, I long for the days when I could just ignore my girlie bits for all but 1 week every month (ah, those pill popping days). And I haven’t been sleeping well for the past week. I’m just tired now and I can’t take any sleeping pills to fix that. All this work, all this effort, all the pills and medications and dr’s appointments and strangers sticking their implements in every part of my body…it’s just too damn much. All this I have been suffering through for the past 13 months and with nothing to show for it but…well…nothing. I’m just so tired of the whole thing. But I’ll keep going because I’m in too deep now. I’ve taken 2 way-too-early-to-take hpt’s and of course they were both negative (one today, one 2 days ago). I don’t know. I just don’t know what’s what anymore. I’m sooo not looking forward to have to go through another round of Cycle Monitoring. My Dr. says it could take up to 4 rounds before I get pregnant. {sigh}. I’m just so tired.
Anyways I typed all that so that I could do two things:

1) The following lyrics have been swiming aorund in my head for days now, to the point where I think I’m about 3 seconds from going insane, but still the words are comforting*.  (And, really, how bad is it to have George Michael and Nina Simone’s beautiful voice in your head 24/7?)

Feelin Good

Birds flying high you know how I feel
Sun in the sky you know how I feel
Reeds driftin’ on by you know how I feel

It’s a new dawn
It’s a new day…
It’s a new life
For me (it’s a new dawn, it’s a new day)
And I’m feeling so good
So, so good.

Fish in the sea you know how I feel
River running free you know how I feel
Blossom in the tree you know how I feel

It’s a new day
It’s a new dawn…
It’s a new life
For me
And I’m feeling good.

Dragonfly out in the sun you know what I mean
Butterflies all havin’ fun you know what I mean
Sleep in peace when the day is done
That’s what I mean

And this old world is a new world
And a bold world
For me
Oh, you know just how I feel…

It’s a new day
It’s a new dawn
It’s a new life
And I’m, And I’m…It’s a…

Said, you know how I feel (I’m feeling good)
Said, (said) (such a life) you know how I feel (such a life)
Freedom is mine when you know how I feel

It’s a new dawn
It’s a new day…
It’s a new life
And I’m feeling good!

 

And 2) – Here is my horoscope for today:

Having no expectations is a good way to avoid disappointment, but it won’t work if we take into account your determination about an important goal. Events are about to turn to your advantage.

 

I think that just about covers it for today.

 

*Note – Dispite the positive words, this song, the way it’s sung, always makes me feel a longing kind of sadness.*



4 Comments

  1. I know these feelings all to well. I wish I had words of encouragement, but I think you have to deal with this in your own way. In the meantime, I’ll stay positive for you. *Big Hug*

  2. Girl, I feel you!!! Like TheMrs said, I wish i had words of encouragement, but it’s hard when you feel the same way. Like you, I find it really ironic that after 15 years of birth control pills, that I am not pregnant. I spent hald of my life trying not to get pregnant, and now look at me! i was telling my mother the other day that I wasted a whole lot of money all these years. Anyway, sorry it took me so long to post about this, I’ve been avoiding blogs too, including my own. Maybe I’ll feel better later. Im really trying hard not to be the bitter bitch……… But anyway, (((Big HUGS)))

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