I’ve been feeling quite burnt out lately. That “wake up tired, go to bed tired, no matter what you do you constantly feel behind on everything and so very tired” kind of burnt out. Family life is more hectic than usual, work life has been insane, marriage has taken a hit because I’ve been so chicken-with-my head-cut-off and it’s taking literally all my energy to keep things from flying apart at the seams. I find myself being snappish at the kids, pissy at work, a less than stellar wife and companion to the hubs, walking around all day, every day with what must look like a crazy smile on my face because I don’t want anyone to know that I’m a slowly sinking ship, although at this point I’m sure it’s completely obvious. Everything in my life is suffering. It’s a house of cards ready to collapse at any moment and I’m watching it all fall down like a slo-mo train wreck that I have no clue how to stop before it all comes crashing down, or through, or whatever.
So, what does a person do when they start to feel life spinning out of control? I assure you, I have no idea. I don’t even have time to stop and ponder the situation. I’m amazed at myself for even finding the time to write this post (*eta. I’m actually posting this almost a week after I wrote it). I mean, how do I keep all of these balls in the air without dropping any of them?
Of course, I’m lying to myself already. I’ve dropped the two most important balls of all. My kids.
The preshus said to me the other day “you worry too much mama” and my heart nearly broke in two, because literally all of my worry is based on my desire to ensure that he and his brother have good lives, and here I am, letting my crazy f*ck it up. It’s like my insane need to juggle all the balls has caused me to seriously fumble the two most important ones. My kids look at me sometimes and I see that my stress is stressing them out, and it’s the last thing I want for them.
So what do I do? How do I fix this? How do I prioritize when everything seem so damn important? How do I come back from being so burnt out that I feel like I’m ruining everything?
I have no idea.
Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have a few balls in the air that I need to go catch.